Crap Jokes

[Low D]

"Perfect pitch is when you can throw an accordion 30 feet into a dumpster and not hit the rim."

- Garth Hudson

[Wayne Kerr]

'Why are washing machines funny? They take the piss out of your underwear......! i'll get my puffer jacket.

[Heather]

Who's the hardest person in Liverpool?

Kev la.



I'll get my coat.

[Lance Boyle]

How do you get four grannies to scream 'Oh FUCK!'? Get another granny to shout 'BINGO!' i'll get my dentures.....

[Clancysister]

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?- None,but it takes twelve to write a paper entitled 'Coping with Darkness'.

[Mike from Boston]

Not really a joke, but I saw this important news story today:

Move over zombies: Man left bloodied and screaming in pain after attack by 'bunch of leprechauns'

By Daniel Miller
PUBLISHED: 04:33 EST, 22 June 2012 | UPDATED: 06:32 EST, 22 June 2012
• Just as the Zombie threat appears to finally be lifting it seems America could be at the mercy of an even deadlier menace.
A mob of Leprechauns are carrying out vicious attacks in and around the city of Seattle, according to a man who claims to be one of their latest victims.
The pint-sized brutes were allegedly hopping mad after catching the man dancing with the wrong girl at a Belltown bar.
Officers arrived at the scene of a bar fight to find the man covered in blood and screaming in pain with his head held in his hands.
When officers asked who had attacked him, the man replied: 'It was a bunch of leprechauns.'
According to the victim the one of his assailants was wearing a white tank top.
There were no additional reports of merry jigs turning ugly or stolen pots of gold.
The man was taken to Harborview Medical Center with multiple head injuries and cuts and bruises on his face, back, knuckles and elbows.
Police were apparently unable to find the leprechauns or anyone else involved in the attack

[Razor Laff]

What happens when you sing Country & Western music backwards? You get your wife and your job back! i'll get my Barbour......

[Fr. McGreer]

I was reading in the paper about three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

[Fr. McGreer]

I can't find the Israeli leader on the internet, apparently Benjamin's not on yahoo


Tickets went on sale for a gig yesterday and i snapped one up for only 45c. It's FiftyCent feat. Nickleback. Can't wait

[Low D]

Q: Why is rap music like scissors?

A: Because it always loses to rock!

(Courtesy of my difficult middle child)

[inthered]

On a vist to the bank today I had an urge to stand in the line on one leg and close my eyes.

Someone behind tapped me on my shoulder and asked want I was doing.

"Just checking my balance...." I answered.

[Fr. McGreer]

Me and Mrs McGreer watched 3 dvd's back to back last night. Good job I was the one facing the screen:)

[tofar]

Nearly made the news today. But after being interviewed at length no one heard a word I said.

[Fr. McGreer]

When i was christened, the Priest turned up in a gorilla suit. Turns out it was a blessing in disguise

[lesh]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."