Crap Jokes

[soulfinger]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, looked her in the eye casually and asked, . . . "Was that one or two words?"

[Fr. McGreer]

Infrequently

[DzM]

Infrequently

And when you do, they're corny. Hi-larious.

[firehazard]

What's the difference between having your heart broken and having a curry?



When you have your heart broken, the bottom falls out of your world.
When you have a curry, the world falls out of your bottom.

[Low D]

What did the salmon say when it swam into a wall?

"Dam!"

[soulfinger]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price'

[Fr. McGreer]

Do you know what i can't get over?



High walls.

[old barney greyheron]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...barman says..'Is this some kind of joke?'

[Villajohn]

Not exactly a joke,there is a great quote by Ron Hynes from the Man of a Thousand Songs DVD, ''would it be considered abnormal for a man to have one testicle larger then the other two?' Priceless....i wonder who told that one originally.'

[soulfinger]

Had to clear my internet history before the wife came - now I'm not sure if she's the one I ordered!

[Low D]

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

Goes back four seconds.

---

Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?

He was charged with battery.

----

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!


Thankyougoodnight!

[Low D]

A 15 string bass walks into a bar and the bartender says "man, you look really stressed". The bass says, "yeah, there's a lot of tension in my neck".

[Low D]

A Polar Bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a rum, and...

...

...

...

... coke".

The bartender says "Sure, but what's with the big pause?"

(really an out-loud joke that one, the spelling can confuse matters)

[Doktor Avalanche]

...so this frog is tired of hopping around everywhere and decides he needs to get a car already. Not having enough cash on hand, he decides to secure some financing and heads to the bank. He meets with the loan officer, a Mr. Patty Whack. Mr. Whack asks if he has any collateral for the loan he is about to write and the frog pulls out this strange looking clock he'd kept on his coffee table.

"What's this?" asks the loan officer.

"It's a knick-nack, Patty Whack, so give the frog a loan."



I'll get me coat....

[Fr. McGreer]

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.